May 18, 2014

To my dearest Solana,

Today is one of the hardest days I’ve had as a mother.  It could also probably be the proudest I’ve been.  We just got home from a party where there were more kids than you are used to.  So far, you see,  you’ve been living in an adult dominated world where you’ve been, well, dominating.  I suppose that was why you were over the moon when you were brought to a room full of children.

But children will be children and most are not as friendly and welcoming as you. So i sat in that room full of kids who grew up together and witness how kids who grew up together unintentionally treat the kid they didn’t grow up with.  

Several times I tried to carry you out of the room but just as many times you pushed me away because you wanted to stay and try to play.

Anak, I think I’m too sensitive for parenthood.  I’m super OA na talaga I know but if I could just shield you and spare you from every kind of hurt or rejection, no matter how small, I would.  Like I said, OA. 

At some point during the night, when we were heading back to the room from the kitchen,  a cute little girl shouted “NO!” as she shut the door when she saw you coming.  I guess they’ve had enough of you switching the lights off, I don’t know.  So when the door closed in your face, I said “okay, lets just go to papa” because, to be honest, that’s what I really wanted to do.  But as we were walking away, I suddenly realized how that moment could easily define you so I stopped and asked you if you wanted to go inside the room.  When you said “uh uh”, I opened the door, walked with you to the center of the room and told you to go and play.

At the end of the night, I was watching you play with three other kids.  God bless your relentless spirit.

You know Sage, 45% of the time with this whole parenting thing, my head has been stuck in a quicksand of fear and paranoia.  Another 45% is spent with my eyes closed in prayer asking God to please help me conquer my fear and paranoia.  But there is that 10% when my eyes are wide open and I am lucid and hopeful and brave.  Please let that 10% be enough to not fuck you up. 

Thank you for being cooler than mama.  Thank you for already being tougher than I could ever be.  And more importantly, thank you for inspiring me to do the right thing.

I love you.

Mama