August 3, 2014

To my dearest Solana,

It’s not so much that I love being a mom.  I am not one of those women who are hard wired for motherhood.  I am not, as you will find out soon enough, nurturing or caring or whatever virtue is deemed ideal for mothers.  I’ve always wanted children, true, but never in that aching, pining, or even determined way that some women do. 

When things started getting serious with your pop, I was actually prepared for a lifetime of just the two of us.  Your father was not a fan of having children at all, and over the most nonsense reasons.  You can ask him about that one day.  And I was sorta okay with that.  Maybe we’ll just travel, I thought.  Or have 22 dogs or very time consuming hobbies.

But now we have you and the world is just better in all ways possible.

We wake up to Christmas morning every day since you, to your wide excited eyes and your beautiful smile. We are constantly surrounded by magic when you’re around, nothing is ever just just, everything is always WOW.  We went to a children’s party a month ago and as soon as the puppet show started, you were the only one  on your feet, dancing, swirling, ecstatic in your bubble of joy.   And that’s how you are, puppet show or not, you do not just sit, you dance. 

I hope, with every bit of me, that you will never lose it, the awe, the magic that you seem to see in everything.  Or, at least, that you will never forget that you are capable of this when your heart breaks, which it eventually will. 

Can I also just say that, and this may sound cruel, I love it when you’re angry.  You are the most madrama, manipulative little girl ever. EVAH.  Sometimes I bite my lip when I watch you fake-cry and beg to get what you want so I don’t start laughing. “Mama pi, attide.  I want attide,” you tell me when you want to go outside.  The moment I say no, you throw yourself to the floor and “sob”.  When I finally say yes, you stop immediately, get up and smile.  Or at times when I refuse, which I also do by the way, and when you realize that I wont give in, you just stand right back up and look for something else to do. 

You are also the sweetest child on earth.  Sometimes I catch you staring at me, so I stare back, and then you break into a smile, hold my face with your teeny tiny hands and kiss me. 

Grabe. 

Hindi. Ko. Kaya. Ang. Joy.

So there is truth to this mother-child shit after all.  I really thought it was just hype.  But maybe, just maybe,  it’s you.  Because you, miss, are the most fascinating person I’ve ever met.   So it’s really not so much that I love being a mom.   But I love being your mom.  You make the difference.

Love, 
Mama

May 18, 2014

To my dearest Solana,

Today is one of the hardest days I’ve had as a mother.  It could also probably be the proudest I’ve been.  We just got home from a party where there were more kids than you are used to.  So far, you see,  you’ve been living in an adult dominated world where you’ve been, well, dominating.  I suppose that was why you were over the moon when you were brought to a room full of children.

But children will be children and most are not as friendly and welcoming as you. So i sat in that room full of kids who grew up together and witness how kids who grew up together unintentionally treat the kid they didn’t grow up with.  

Several times I tried to carry you out of the room but just as many times you pushed me away because you wanted to stay and try to play.

Anak, I think I’m too sensitive for parenthood.  I’m super OA na talaga I know but if I could just shield you and spare you from every kind of hurt or rejection, no matter how small, I would.  Like I said, OA. 

At some point during the night, when we were heading back to the room from the kitchen,  a cute little girl shouted “NO!” as she shut the door when she saw you coming.  I guess they’ve had enough of you switching the lights off, I don’t know.  So when the door closed in your face, I said “okay, lets just go to papa” because, to be honest, that’s what I really wanted to do.  But as we were walking away, I suddenly realized how that moment could easily define you so I stopped and asked you if you wanted to go inside the room.  When you said “uh uh”, I opened the door, walked with you to the center of the room and told you to go and play.

At the end of the night, I was watching you play with three other kids.  God bless your relentless spirit.

You know Sage, 45% of the time with this whole parenting thing, my head has been stuck in a quicksand of fear and paranoia.  Another 45% is spent with my eyes closed in prayer asking God to please help me conquer my fear and paranoia.  But there is that 10% when my eyes are wide open and I am lucid and hopeful and brave.  Please let that 10% be enough to not fuck you up. 

Thank you for being cooler than mama.  Thank you for already being tougher than I could ever be.  And more importantly, thank you for inspiring me to do the right thing.

I love you.

Mama    

April 21, 2014

To my dearest Solana,

Last night, we attended the 50^th wedding anniversary of tita norma and tito nionio (lola and lolo to you).  It was quite a drive to add to an already long and exhausting drive to Fairview but it was a celebration I did not want to miss.  Golden anniversaries are hard to come by these days.  Either people give up or their bodies do and marriages end long before they reach this milestone. 

You were tired and sleepy and you would not leave the dance floor.  With droopy eyes, you rested on your papa’s or tito bobby’s arms as they swayed you around.  You particularly enjoyed watching the band, fascinated with how their instruments work.  When you were on your feet, you would do your own adorable dance moves that remind me a little of how indigenous tribes dance in the cordilleras.  You are, of course, so much cuter. 

And this is how you are at this age.  Barely 18 months old and already the life of any party you’ve been to.  You fight off sleep with every bit of your strength to enjoy the party, to keep on dancing.  I love love LOOOOVE how you are so enjoying your childhood. 

There’s this country song that I love that I will sing to you as you grow older. It’s corny, sure, but corny is sometimes how life is enjoyed best.

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance 

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances, but they're worth taking
Loving might be a mistake, but it's worth making

Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out, reconsider
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance     

I love you.

Mama