To my dearest Solana,
Today is one of the hardest days I’ve had as a
mother. It could also probably be the
proudest I’ve been. We just got home
from a party where there were more kids than you are used to. So far, you see, you’ve been living in an adult dominated world
where you’ve been, well, dominating. I
suppose that was why you were over the moon when you were brought to a room
full of children.
But children will be children and most are not as
friendly and welcoming as you. So i sat in that room full of kids who grew up
together and witness how kids who grew up together unintentionally treat the
kid they didn’t grow up with.
Several times I tried to carry you out of the room but just as many times you pushed me away
because you wanted to stay and try to play.
Anak, I think I’m too sensitive for parenthood. I’m super OA na talaga I know but if I could
just shield you and spare you from every kind of hurt or rejection, no matter
how small, I would. Like I said,
OA.
At some point during the night, when we were heading back
to the room from the kitchen, a cute
little girl shouted “NO!” as she shut the door when she saw you coming. I guess they’ve had enough of you switching
the lights off, I don’t know. So when the
door closed in your face, I said “okay, lets just go to papa” because, to be
honest, that’s what I really wanted to do. But as we were walking away, I suddenly
realized how that moment could easily define you so I stopped and asked you if
you wanted to go inside the room. When
you said “uh uh”, I opened the door, walked with you to the center of the room
and told you to go and play.
At the end of the night, I was watching you play with
three other kids. God bless your
relentless spirit.
You know Sage, 45% of the time with this whole parenting
thing, my head has been stuck in a quicksand of fear and paranoia. Another 45% is spent with my eyes closed in
prayer asking God to please help me conquer my fear and paranoia. But there is that 10% when my eyes are wide
open and I am lucid and hopeful and brave.
Please let that 10% be enough to not fuck you up.
Thank you for being cooler than mama. Thank you for already being tougher than I
could ever be. And more importantly,
thank you for inspiring me to do the right thing.
I love you.
Mama
